ANGELA'S ANGST
A comic drama of contemporary
life in 1 act
Copywright © 2000, 2004, Colin P. Cobb
CHARACTERS
DIRECTOR: a self-possessed person. (It is preferable that DIRECTOR use his/her real name during performance.)
ANGELA: a somewhat "over the top" actress.
GWEN: a very busy, very self important woman.
LANCE: a middle aged man who pushes (his) good manners on everyone else.
STAGE MANAGER: a person who wants to be involved but suffers stage fright. (It is preferable that STAGE MANAGER use his/her real name during performance.)
REESEN: a person lost in the moment.
SETTING
The Little Theatre. (It is preferable that the Little Theatre be referred to by it's actual name during performance.)
TIME
Curtain time, opening night.
NOTE
For much of the play the "fourth wall" does not exist. The stage encompasses all the theater including the audience.
ACT I, SCENE i
(At curtain STAGE MANAGER, DIRECTOR, and ANGELA are all offstage. LANCE and REESEN are both seated in the audience, LANCE in the first row at stage right, REESEN 3 or 4 rows back at stage center. GWEN is outside the theater cum stage (perhaps secreted in the ladies room) but her seat is at least 3/4 of the way back in the audience at stage left. With house lights up and stage lights down STAGE MANAGER moves about stage positioning furniture. As house lights dim DIRECTOR walks to up stage center where a spotlight is illuminating a circle.)
DIRECTOR
(Uncomfortable in limelight, looks at audience, smiles, and shades eyes with hand while frequently referring to notes and speaking.)
Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the Little Theatre. Thank you for joining us for this very special performance of Angela's Angst, a play we think is certain to become a time-honored classic. Before we start the performance, I'd like to tell you a little about what the future holds here at the Little Theatre. Angela's Angst will run through the next three weekends, so come back and see it again! Then, two months from now we're proud to announce that we think--but this is not a promise!--we will be able to stage The McKado!, Alda Hofferber's adaptation of Gilbert & Sullivan's The Mikado.
(Beat as DIRECTOR studies notes, looks up again)
We want to thank our sponsors and supporters without whom we would be unable to present vibrant theater in our favorite city. (DIRECTOR reads a list of several supporters then continues, almost apologetically)
And finally, please be sure you have turned off your cell phones, pagers, and Game Boys or whatever other distractions you may be carrying around tonight. I've been asked to remind you that if you are going to want something from your purse or briefcase during the performance, please dig it out now. If you think you'll need a hard candy during the show, please unwrap it now so that the crinkling of paper will not distract our fine actors. We are in an intimate space and it really doesn't take a lot to distract us.
(Beat as DIRECTOR glances at notes, looks up again)
Thanks again for joining us and enjoy the show!
(DIRECTOR exits as spot dims and stage lights come up to reveal a nearly bare stage. Two smallish square tables are situated next to one another to form one larger table surrounded by 6 chairs. Other props and furniture may be used to dress the stage to indicate that a play is being presented but furnishings are Spartan. The main furniture is the two tables with half a dozen mismatched straight-backed chairs. As lights come up STAGE MANAGER is "caught" on stage positioning the table. Embarrassed--perhaps mortified--STAGE MANAGER is frozen like a deer in the headlights for a long beat before hurrying off stage right.)
(Long beat before ANGELA enters carrying a smallish photo in an elaborate frame. She begins her monologue in a very subdued fashion building to a crescendo.)
ANGELA
(Bemused, moves around stage as she speaks.)
Why, oh why, did I wait so long?.
(Places photo on table, studies it silently for a long beat, picks it up again and speaks more forcefully.)
Why, why the hell , did I wait so long?. What good does it do anyone that I finally understand? Wouldn't it have been better to have taken action years ago? Years ago when I was first awakening... But no! NO! I wanted perfect understanding before the confrontation. As though there is any such thing as perfect understanding...
(ANGELA continues to speak, somewhat distracted and choppy as GWEN enters from rear of theater. GWEN attempts not to disturb anyone as she makes her way to the front of the theater, hence to count the rows back to her seat but...)
GWEN
(Over, sotto voce )
'Scuse me... Pardon... Sorry... 'Scuse me...
ANGELA (CONT'D)
(Moving stage right to distract audience from GWEN, voice louder)
I mean... I mean... I mean, you weren't perfect, why should I expect perfect understanding of an imperfect being?
(GWEN continues to work her way to her seat, still trying to minimize her disruption)
(STAGE MANAGER peers around from the wings to see what the commotion is.)
ANGELA (CONT'D)
(Distracted but still trying to pull audience away from GWEN)
I mean, who defines perfection, anyway. Not you! And sure as hell not me! I guess it must be God, or maybe the Pope or Billy Graham. Not... not... not...
ANGELA
(long beat, moving and speaking sotto voce toward wings)
Line! Line, dammit, line!
STAGE MANAGER
(beat, from offstage, sotto voce )
Not any mortal...
ANGELA
(Over, striding back to stage center, very forceful now)
Not any mortal being I ever met! Certainly not anyone I might have encountered through the pages of a singles column or in the pallid miasma of a thousand fern bars! Perfection? Perfect losers, maybe...
(interrupted by GWEN's cell phone ringing)
GWEN
(Over, she struggles to find phone in purse, it rings half-a-dozen times before she finally gets to it and answers, sotto voce .)
Hello! This is Gwen, who's there please? Shhhh! Oh! Maryanne, when did you get back? Shhhh!
(She hunkers down in her seat, attempting to minimize disruption and continues to improvise small talk as DIRECTOR and STAGE MANAGER emerge from opposite sides of stage and remain by wings. ANGELA is frozen on stage. DIRECTOR moves toward audience, up aisle trying to attract GWEN's attention. GWEN remains oblivious and continues to chat sotto voce ...)
LANCE
(Over shoulder, very loud)
Give it a rest, lady! Hang up the damned phone and give the rest of us a break!
GWEN
(Nonplused, somewhat flustered, turns away from LANCE and toward DIRECTOR whom she is forced to acknowledge.)
Maryanne, I'll talk to you later... (beat) No, no, I have to go now... (beat) No, right NOW! I have to go right now!
DIRECTOR
(Upset but low voiced, trying to save the situation)
Madam! Please! You must stop this disturbance! Please!
LANCE
(Partially rising from seat, upset and very loud)
Give us a break, lady! The rest of us would like to hear the damned play if you don't mind! Hang up the phone or get out!
DIRECTOR
(Toward Lance, still trying to save the situation)
Sir! Please! If you'll just take your seat and give me a moment... Please!
(Back to Gwen)
You must stop this disturbance or I'll have to ask you to leave.
GWEN
Me stop the disturbance? It looks to me like you and Mr. Bigmouth down front are the ones causing the disturbance!
LANCE
(Rises and turns to face the action)
Me? Me! You're calling me "bigmouth?" Lady, you got a mouth on you that would put a 14 pound Bass to shame! I ain't the problem, it's you and that damned phone that is the problem! How can you...
GWEN
(Over)
How can I be the problem? I'm sitting in my seat waiting to watch the play. You and this person (indicates Director) are the ones standing up, shouting, and causing the ruckus! The way I see it, ...
ANGELA
(Interrupts, very much out of control)
Shut up! Will you please just shut the hell up?
(Lance drops back into his seat, Gwen and Director focus their attention on Angela)
ANGELA (CONT'D)
I cannot believe this is happening! The director, the cast, the crew, and I have devoted hundreds of hours to this play. The rest of the audience has come out and paid good money to see this play. But apparently we are all to be thwarted by your ego and self-centered... self-centered... self-centered, self-absorbed bitchiness!
(Gwen reacts but underplays)
ANGELA (CONT'D)
The rest of the audience comes in, takes their seats, and prepares to enjoy the show. But not you. The rest of the audience at least gives us a chance to show them what we can do. But not you. If they like what they see and hear, they'll laugh, cry, or applaud. They will at least give us their attention for a few minutes. But not you. Oh, no, not you! You can't even be troubled to turn off your damned cell phone for 97 crummy minutes! You don't even have the decency to take your seat before the play begins...
GWEN
(Quite indignant)
I'll have you know I was in the ladies' room! The whole universe does not operate according to your timetable, you know! Sometimes a person has to go to the ladies' room even if your play is about to begin.
ANGELA
Did you have to crawl over top of everybody else to get to your seat? Did it even occur to you to stand quietly in the back of the theater, at least until the end of the scene?
GWEN
Stand in the back? HAH! I paid good money for this seat and I plan to sit in it!
ANGELA
So, after you crawl over top of everybody else to get to your seat, you aren't there even five minutes before your cell phone starts ringing... Never mind that our Director had specifically asked everyone to turn off their phones.
GWEN
What? When did that happen? Nobody said anything to me! I did not hear any such request!
DIRECTOR
That's because you were in the bathroom.
ANGELA
But even if you didn't hear the request, so what? Doesn't common decency demand that you turn your phone off when going into a theater? Isn't that what a person with just ordinary good manners does when they go into a theater or a church or a funeral or even a restaurant?
GWEN
Turn it off? Not on your life, Missy! I have a life, you know! My life does not stop for two hours just because I go in to see a show!
ANGELA
But what about the rest of us? Where does your life stop and ours start? Why should you be allowed to constantly impose yourself on the rest of us? Has it never occurred to you that the rest of us just do not care where "Maryanne" has been or what grades your kid got on the latest report card or whether or not you've listed another "fixer-upper down in the valley!"
GWEN
My advice to you, Little Missy, is that you NOT have a coronary! You should just forget about me and get back to your little show, that, after all, is what all these people are here to see...
ANGELA
(over)
Just forget about you....
GWEN
(over)
They aren't here to see little Missy Prissy have a hissy-fit over a little distraction...
ANGELA
(over, somewhat dazed)
"Missy Prissy have a hissy...?"
GWEN
Just pull yourself together and get on with the show!
ANGELA
(pulling herself together)
"Get on with the show?" I swear, you are the most self-involved, self-absorbed person I have ever seen! You are the most... the most... (struggling to find the right word) You are the most...
LANCE
(loud)
Obnoxious?
ANGELA
Obnoxious! Yes, obnoxious! You are the most obnoxious cell phone slave I've ever seen!
ANGELA (CONT'D)
(to Lance with smile)
Thank you, sir!
LANCE
Don't mention it.
GWEN
Oh, please, let's not try to make this about me. This is about you . You can't stand the least little distraction and get on with your play, so you try to blame me . Hah! This is 2001, you know, Missy Prissy. 2001! Modern times! You have to be able to compete for the audience's attention or just forget about it!...
ANGELA
(over)
...Compete...?
GWEN
Of course, with the material you have to work with, I am not so sure you can compete with much.
ANGELA
(angry again)
Now what is that crack supposed to mean?
GWEN
Nothing, nothing... It's just that from what little I heard before you stopped performing, this is shaping up to be just another, "Mama, Why'd Ya Do Me Like Ya Done Me" play.
ANGELA
"Mama, Why'd Ya Do Me Like....?"
GWEN
(interrupts)
You know the kind, don't pretend you don't! A young woman, maybe middle aged, realizes that she has been trying to live up to her mother's expectations instead of being... What is it they call it? (beat) SELF-ACTUALIZING! So, younger woman figures it all out, talks us all the way through it, and becomes--right before our very eyes--self-actualized. HOORAY!
(beat, GWEN and ANGELA stare at one another)
GWEN (CONT'D)
Usually a crisis brings on all this... Mama died?
ANGELA
(beat)
In the hospital.
GWEN
Mama's just in the hospital?
ANGELA
(nods)
GWEN (CONT'D)
But dying, right?
ANGELA
(nods)
GWEN (CONT'D)
That's a picture of Mama you're carrying around and mooning over, isn't it?
ANGELA
(showing picture in frame to audience)
Yes, and this happens to be my real mother whom I love very much so I'll thank you to just keep your comments to yourself!
GWEN
Now, now, don't get yourself all upset again! This isn't personal, we're just talking about the play here. The play's the thing! But how many times has it been done? I mean, how many times has it been written ! Let alone staged... Isn't it about time for a new take on this Mama burying? Everybody knows how this play goes... You spend like 20 minutes or so wandering around lamenting how you have been screwed up your whole life but somehow with Mama dying offstage in the hospital, you manage to see the light, and emerge from your... your... your..
LANCE
(loud)
Cocoon.
GWEN
Yes! Cocoon! You emerge from your cocoon, spread your wings and FLY!
GWEN (CONT'D)
(aside to LANCE)
Thank you, sir.
LANCE
(waves to GWEN)
* * * * *
(Angela's Angst excerpt ends)